Apple Execs Relieved as LA Looters Confirm People Still Willing to Smash Glass for iPhones Even Though Siri Remains Terrible

Executives at Apple headquarters breathed a collective sigh of relief this week after rioters in Los Angeles enthusiastically looted and destroyed several Apple Stores, confirming that the company's products are, in fact, still wildly desirable despite another year of doing absolutely nothing to improve Siri.

“The people have spoken,” said VP of Marketing Greg Joswiak, standing in front of a charred Genius Bar. “They smashed the windows. They bypassed the Microsoft Store. They didn’t even glance at the Samsung kiosk. They went straight for the iPads. That’s brand loyalty.”

According to eyewitnesses, looters were seen gleefully grabbing MacBooks, iPhones, and even a few forgotten iPods from 2012. Security footage shows criminals carefully selecting the newest models, apparently unaware that Siri still can't understand basic requests or that ChatGPT has been running circles around Apple's AI for years.

Inside Apple HQ, the mood was celebratory. "It's just great to know people will still risk arrest for an iPhone, even when Siri can barely set a timer while every other AI can translate the entire internet," said Tim Cook, visibly misty-eyed. "We were worried the market was cooling, especially after OpenAI made us look like we have no idea what we’re doing."

Asked whether the destruction of several flagship stores might prompt the company to invest in better AI, Cook laughed. "Why fix what isn't broken? People are literally committing crimes to get our products. Meanwhile, we haven't updated Siri's intelligence since the iPhone 4S, and somehow we’re the ones really getting away with it.”

At press time, Apple announced that Siri would receive a major update "soon," marking the company's 12th consecutive year of making that exact same promise.