Aveeno Rebrands Entire Product Line to Save Customers from Themselves

In a stark departure from their traditionally gentle marketing approach, Aveeno skincare announced today they’re rebranding their entire product line with what they call "aggressively honest" names.

"Market research showed customers were spending up to 45 minutes in drugstore aisles squinting at labels, trying to decode which lotion matched their specific skin crisis," said Lo Shunn, Aveeno’s Chief Marketing Officer. "So we decided to cut through the botanical marketing nonsense and tell it like it is."

The initiative includes renaming their bestselling Daily Moisturizing Lotion to “Aveeno Yes, Use It Everyday Like We Said,” while their Eczema Therapy line is now “Aveeno Wow, That’s Some Dry Skin.” Gen Z’s go-to Stress Relief Lotion will become “Aveeno Meditating Everyday Isn’t Going to Fix Those Hands,” and their dermatologist-recommended Intense Moisture Overnight Cream has been updated to “Aveeno You Fucked Up, Simple As That.”

New additions to the lineup reflect modern lifestyle struggles, including “Aveeno This Used to Be a Normal Winter,” “Aveeno RTO 5 Days a Week Buddy, Get Used to It,” and “Aveeno Wash Your Hands Maybe Not 40 Times a Day, The Pandemic Ended.” For severe cases, Aveeno has debuted its most expensive offering yet: an $89.99 intensive repair cream labeled “Aveeno Should’ve Listened to Your Mother About Wearing Gloves.”

Early reviews have been glowing. One focus group participant remarked, "Finally, a lotion that doesn’t just moisturize – it understands my life."

“We’re committed to meeting customers where they are,” said Shunn. “And if where they are is elbow-deep in cracked knuckles and regret, we’ve got them covered.”

The products hit shelves next month. Just read the labels. Seriously.