Biden Regrets Everything that Went Poorly for Him and Nothing that Went Well for Him

In a poignant and introspective farewell address to the nation, President Joe Biden expressed regret for every action he took that subsequently led to unfavorable outcomes for himself. "I regret all the things I did that were followed by things that went poorly for me," Biden solemnly declared, his voice tinged with remorse.

Reflecting on his tenure, Biden candidly admitted, "There were moments when I made decisions that, in hindsight, did not work out so great for my popularity polls or evening news coverage." He paused, visibly emotional, before adding, "But let me be clear, folks, I don't regret any of the things I did that were followed by things that went well for me."

The President, visibly nostalgic, shared his unique perspective on leadership. “Being President, folks, it’s like… imagine you’re untangling Christmas lights with one hand while eating a hot dog with the other – and it’s windy. Some days, you get the lights untangled. Other days? Ketchup on your shoe. That’s the presidency.” The audience offered a polite, but short applause.

"And another thing," Biden added, warming to his theme, "sometimes you're driving your '67 Corvette, zero to sixty in... well, that's not important – and you hit a pothole. If that pothole leads to a flat tire, that's a bad pothole. But if you swerve around it and find a Dairy Queen? That's presidential leadership. That’s finding your blizzard in a storm."

In his closing remarks, Biden attempted to strike a reflective note. "Look, life's a highway. But it's also kind of a cul-de-sac, you know? Sometimes you just gotta keep turning left until you find your driveway. And that's what I've tried to do for America."

As he shuffled offstage to no particular soundtrack, Biden stopped mid-stride and waved at someone who wasn’t there. “Thanks, pal,” he said to the empty air. Smiling, he muttered to himself, “Yeah you’re right, maybe I should run again.”