FCC Orders ESPN to Air One Year of Pure Sports

In a move some are calling “a shocking return to purpose,” ESPN has agreed to a historic deal with the FCC requiring the network to broadcast only sports for a full calendar year. No rumors, no leaks, and no speculating about the mood inside the locker room.

Beginning August 1, viewers will be subjected to the jarring prospect of basketball games during basketball season, baseball games during baseball season, and, during off-hours, darts. The new regulation strictly prohibits 24/7 coverage, controversy, scoops, anonymous sources, or anyone described as “close to the situation.”

The ruling follows a two-year investigation sparked by a 96-hour panel on whether Aaron Rodgers looked “too thoughtful” during a preseason coin toss. The FCC concluded that ESPN had “substantially abandoned the act of broadcasting sports in favor of the theater of unresolved narratives.”

“We recognize this is a major lifestyle shift,” said an ESPN spokesperson. “Our on-air personalities are adjusting. Some have never watched an actual game before.” He continued, “But the FCC was clear: if we even mention the phrase ‘potential landing spot,’ they’ll take the whole network off the air.”

Sources within the network say Stephen A. Smith is currently undergoing a supervised cooling-off protocol after attempting to board an MLB charter flight to “get closer to the discourse,” before being redirected and shown a live tennis match. “He keeps asking who the protagonist is,” whispered one intern.

Mike Greenberg was last seen blinking into the camera during a live shot of a Red Sox doubleheader, mouthing the words “is this... content?”

Meanwhile, Skip Bayless, who is not technically affiliated with ESPN but insisted on commenting anyway, has reportedly locked himself in a soundproof booth with a picture of LeBron and a bullhorn, promising to reemerge “when the takes are safe again.”

Until then, America braces for the unfamiliar: peace, quiet, and the unfiltered sound of sneakers squeaking.