First-Year Investment Banker Revolutionizes Tipping by Calculating in Basis Points
Ari Bitrages, a freshly-minted investment banking analyst at BlackRock, has introduced a novel tipping system based entirely on basis points.
Patrons at Manhattan’s chicest eateries are reportedly perplexed as Bitrages tips perfectly normal amounts, but insists on explaining it in excruciating detail. “Our bill was $100,” said a bewildered waitress at a West Village bistro. “He gave me a twenty, but not before launching into a monologue about how it was 2000 basis points.”
Bitrages defends his verbose approach, claiming he’s “elevating the discourse around gratuities.” When asked why he wouldn’t just say 20% like everyone else, Bitrages scoffed. “Why settle for oversimplification when we could optimize the transaction’s alpha?” he said, adjusting his Patagonia vest. “Tipping is an opportunity to align service value with market efficiency. If you’re not tracking in basis points, are you even respecting the beta of your waitress?”
The analyst’s friends, who are already tired of hearing Bitrages talk about his “modeling bandwidth,” say his obsession with finance jargon extends beyond tipping. “He doesn’t invite us out to dinner,” said one college friend. “He invites us to a capital deployment strategy session centered on artisanal pasta.”
Bitrages also allegedly proposed splitting an Uber home with “tranches” instead of Venmo. “He said I’d be the mezzanine lender because the usual traffic makes me a riskier drop off,” another friend lamented.
Restaurant workers citywide are lobbying for clarity, requesting that Bitrages at least annotate his receipts. “If you’re going to tip in basis points, fine,” said one restaurant owner. “But don’t leave me a Post-it saying, ‘Thanks for the macro tailwinds.’”
For his part, Bitrages remains unapologetic. “Tipping is an imprecise and flawed system,” he said. “I’m just innovating. That’s what we do at BlackRock.”
Pressed for comment, his managing director reportedly stated, “Never heard of him.”