Forever Chemicals Not Forever Enough, Company Says

In an announcement that startled both the scientific and industrial communities, executives at Forever Chemicals Inc. admitted today that their products might not be "forever enough," unveiling plans to develop even smaller, more persistent particles.

"Microplastics are so passé," declared CEO Chuck Polymerson at a press conference held in the company's new state of the art cleanroom, wearing a suit made entirely of recycled plastic bottles. "We're thinking smaller. Much smaller. Nanoplastics are just the beginning of our journey toward chemical immortality. Think of the possibilities! Nanoplastics in your... well, everywhere!"

The company's new initiative, dubbed "Operation Infinitesimal," aims to develop plastics at the pico-, femto-, atto-, zepto-, and eventually even yocto-scale. These plastic particles would be so tiny they make microplastics look like beach balls.

"Think of it as a Russian nesting doll of environmental persistence," explained Dr. Sid Thetic, head of Forever Chemicals' R&D department. "Each time we go smaller, we become harder to detect and filter away. It's like playing hide-and-seek with molecules, and we're winning."

Leading experts in "incredibly tiny things that are probably bad for you," expressed deep reservations. But Forever Chemicals dismissed their worries as "macro-thinking in a nano world." The company's marketing department has already begun work on slogans like "Small Particles, Big Impact" and "The Smaller the Better, Forever and Ever."

When asked about potential health risks, Polymerson responded, "Look, everyone's worried about finding microplastics in their brain or blood. But that's thinking too big! With our new nanoplastics, you won't even know they're there. It's like they don't exist, except they do, and they always will."

The company's stock surged following the announcement, particularly among investors who couldn't see what they were buying.