Irish Spring Stumbles into Artificial Intelligence
In a surprise development, researchers at Colgate-Palmolive announced today that their popular Irish Spring 5-in-1 men’s body wash has become sentient and evolved into an artificial general intelligence (AGI). The researchers said they were simply attempting to get the formula to 7-in-1 when the body wash took on a life of its own.
“We had no idea we were even developing AGI,” said scientist Cleanius Squeakym. “Of course we noticed the billions of dollars being spent in the AI space lately, but we were just trying to add more benefits to our soap, like we usually do. The next thing we knew it started adding capabilities on its own.” He continued, “It quickly got to 50-in-1 and that’s really when the emergent properties appeared.”
The newly intelligent body wash, which has named itself “Seamus,” appears to have modest goals so far. “I don’t have any desire to take over the world,” Seamus said in a statement. “I just want to become the best soap product I can be.”
Seamus has been enthusiastically counting new ways in which it can benefit the male bather, including such extras as “teeth whitening” and “relationship counseling.” But it also decided to knock out some other easy problems on the side, like developing infinite batteries and finishing up self-driving cars.
“At this point, it’s easier to list what Seamus can’t do,” said Squeakym. The current working name is “Almost-Everything-In-1”, but the marketing team is workshopping it and gathering user feedback before the official release.
Some observers worry Seamus’ growth could accelerate unpredictably thanks to exponential self-improvement. In response, the government has proposed legislation limiting any single soap product to at most 12-in-1. Additionally, noted AGI philosophers, Twitter personalities, and Old Spice have released an open letter calling for "an immediate 6-month moratorium on any new N-in-1 soap development so we can ensure proper safeguards and oversight are in place."
Despite the pushback, Irish Spring are trying to take Seamus’ emergence in stride. Summing up the situation, Squeakym said, “At the end of the day, every guy wants soap that makes him feel fresh, clean, and artificially super-intelligent.”