JD Vance Unveils Revolutionary "Tinder for Couches" App to Decorate Vice President's Residence

With one eye on history and the other on his Pinterest board, former Ohio Senator J.D. Vance is reportedly struggling to decorate the Vice President’s residence in preparation for his eagerly anticipated tenure there. "It’s not just a house; it’s the house… the second house," Vance told reporters, gesturing toward One Observatory Circle with the reverence of someone who hasn’t lived in government housing since college.

Stricken by indecision over sectional sofas and mid-century modern credenzas, Vance turned to Silicon Valley’s brightest engineers to tackle his greatest political challenge yet: curating the perfect living room aesthetic. The result? A sleek new app dubbed “Tinder for Couches.”

"America deserves a Vice President who can swipe right on a La-Z-Boy without hesitation," Vance declared during a press conference unveiling the app. "Tinder revolutionized dating, Uber revolutionized transportation, and now, I’m revolutionizing throw pillows. This is what Peter Thiel meant when he told me to disrupt things."

The app works exactly as advertised: Users swipe left to reject furniture and swipe right to add it to a virtual showroom. Algorithms ensure every match is tailored to Vance’s unique needs, including "Ohio rustic meets tech-bro modern." A special feature alerts users if a piece has been deemed "too coastal elite," a label affixed to any item exceeding $500 or containing velvet. "Despite how nice and soft velvet is," Vance added, wistfully.

While critics have dismissed the app as "unserious," Vance remains undeterred. "The Vice Presidency is about making tough choices, whether it's about foreign policy or faux-leather ottomans," he said.

Early buzz in Silicon Valley is mixed. Elon Musk tweeted that Tinder for Couches could "disrupt the Ottoman-industrial complex," while Mark Zuckerberg reportedly expressed interest in an acquisition to integrate it with the metaverse.

After the announcement, Vance was seen anxiously swiping left on dozens of armless chairs, muttering, “Not vice-presidential enough.”