Macy's Earnings Report Delayed After $154 Million Expense Account Scandal
In a ballooning scandal that has deflated Macy's stock and left Wall Street gasping for air, the retailer announced that its delayed earnings report stems from a massive accounting fraud orchestrated by a single employee – its very own "Santa's Sleigh" Thanksgiving Day Parade float.
The Sleigh, poised for a high-flying return this year, allegedly hid a staggering $154 million in expenses, aided and abetted by accomplices Mickey Mouse and the surprisingly shrewd, though much younger, Bluey balloon. It appears Santa’s Sleigh wasn’t just delivering toys, but also phantom invoices and inflated expense reports, leaving Macy’s finances decidedly “up, up, and away” from any semblance of reality.
"We should have seen the red flags," lamented Adrian Mitchell, Macy's Chief Financial Officer. “The Santa float kept insisting on ‘ho-ho-holding’ onto the receipts during the off-season, claiming it needed something to do between Thanksgivings.” It seems the Sleigh took the concept of "creative accounting" a bit too literally, blowing up numbers with the same gusto it aerates its own jolly belly.
Sources close to the investigation reveal that Mickey Mouse, with his comically large ears, served as the operation's lookout, alerting the crew to any approaching auditors with a well-timed squeak. Meanwhile, Bluey, the seemingly innocent Australian cattle dog, reportedly herded dubious expenses into offshore accounts, proving that even in the world of high-finance fraud, some pups are just born with a nose for numbers.
Float Manager Gail Force confessed she had voiced concerns about the trio's suspicious antics. “They were all completely full of hot air, and I mean that literally and figuratively,” Force noted. “Santa's Sleigh kept boasting about its ‘air-tight’ accounting methods at staff meetings, but we thought it was just parade banter. Turns out, we were the turkeys.”
The SEC has launched an investigation, though legal experts are baffled. Subpoenaing an inflatable object? That’s going to be a novel legal challenge. Macy's stock took a nosedive, with one analyst quipping, "This gives new meaning to the term 'corporate bloat.' It seems Macy's earnings were just as puffed up as their parade floats."
One thing is certain: this Thanksgiving, Macy’s will be serving up a whole lot more than just turkey and stuffing – they'll be dishing out a hefty helping of humble pie, with a side of serious financial restructuring.