RFK Jr. Assures Senate He’ll Add “Just a Tiny Bit of Brain Worms” to Drinking Water

In a marathon confirmation hearing that left even the most seasoned lawmakers rubbing their temples, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reassured the Senate that his plan for what he termed a "pro-worm healthcare revolution" is absolutely nothing to worry about.

"I plan to add just a tiny bit of brain worms to the drinking water, like a super small amount, you'll barely notice," Kennedy told the Senate committee while periodically writhing in his chair. He went on to explain that "on one hand, after I’m confirmed, nobody will have to get vaccinated anymore, but on the other, everyone will get a small amount of worms that go directly to your brain."

The candidate then outlined a series of bold public health initiatives, including replacing fluoride in the water supply with "worm nutrient solution" and converting public swimming pools into "worm refreshment zones." He also proposed mandatory nationwide dimming of lights, explaining that "bright lights make wor—uh, everyone uncomfortable."

When pressed on the scientific basis for his proposals, Kennedy produced a hand-drawn chart demonstrating that brain worm incidents are down 100% in communities that stopped tracking brain worm incidents. “The numbers, the data, they don’t lie,” he insisted, while appearing to discreetly eat a handful of soil.

Later in the hearing, Kennedy introduced his vision to replace the CDC with the "Department of Warm, Moist Environments That Worms Would Really Enjoy." When physician-turned-politician Sen. Bill Cassidy asked point-blank if he was under the control of brain worms, Kennedy laughed nervously and scratched the side of his head for an uncomfortably long time. “That’s crazy,” he said. “And exactly the kind of divisive rhetoric that weakens our democracy. And our soil.”

Cassidy expressed further concerns. "This is the first time I’ve seen a public health platform that appears to have been written by actual brain parasites," he noted.

Leaving the hearing, Kennedy was overheard muttering to himself. "A brain without worms is like a body without a soul," he whispered, tapping his head meaningfully. "As I promised you already, we’re going to make sure no one is left wormless."