SCOTUS and Apple Introduce Scroll Resistance to Undermine Trump’s TikTok Save
In an unprecedented display of judicial pettiness, the Supreme Court has partnered with Apple to introduce what analysts are calling "malicious user interface design" after Trump thwarted their TikTok ban.
The new feature, powered by Apple Intelligence™ and baked into iOS via a mandatory update, is dubbed "scroll resistance" and it transforms TikTok from an addictive social platform into a kafkaesque exercise in futility. Users report their phones actively fighting against their attempts to view content, with scroll movements becoming increasingly ineffective until the app becomes virtually unusable.
“We banned TikTok fair and square,” Chief Justice Roberts declared, visibly annoyed during a press conference held outside an Apple Store. “Then Trump decided to save it, because of course he did. But that doesn’t mean we’re out of moves. Modern problems require modern solutions.”
At first, users can swipe through TikTok videos like normal. But over time once users have clearly identified themselves as social media addicted degenerates, the phone begins making it harder to scroll. Swipes will move videos by fewer and fewer pixels until, after a few minutes, users find themselves performing Olympic-caliber thumb gymnastics to see the next clip.
Roberts explained the logic: “By the end of your session, you’ll be swiping like a maniac and the video still won’t budge. You’ll quit out of sheer frustration. While that’s not a ban, that’s definitely a strategy.”
Sources say the Court remains bitter over Trump’s stunt. “He made us look weak,” a frustrated Roberts admitted. “We issued a ruling to protect the data of American citizens, and he turned TikTok into a victory lap. This is our way of ensuring no one’s having fun on that app ever again.”
Apple, always eager to please, called the feature “a win-win for democracy and iPhone battery life.” Meanwhile, TikTok users are reportedly confused and furious. One user summed it up: “I thought my phone was broken, but it turns out justice just hates freedom.”