Slow Internet Theory

Here’s my theory: no internet is fine.
It’s peaceful. You give up, go outside.
But slow internet? That’s psychological war.
It promises connection, then slams the door.

You’re on Zoom. You say, “Hi ev–” and freeze.
Now you’ve got robot voice disease.
They say, “You’re cutting out,” so you start again.
“Sorry, what?” “Still glitching.” You count to ten.

You leave the meeting, rejoin on your phone,
Which immediately dies or turns to stone.
You’re waving your arms, they can’t see your face.
Now everyone thinks you live in space.

You try to stream, won’t load past the ad.
YouTube hangs. Netflix is sad.
TikTok plays one second, then stops.
You're watching a slideshow of trends and bots.

Slack just spins. Google Docs breaks.
Your email drafts all vanish like flakes.
You refresh again and start to sweat.
You glare at your router, full of regret.

But no internet? That’s just life.
You shrug. You read. You chat with your wife.
You stare at the wall. You fold some clothes.
You’re weirdly okay, the whole world slows.

So yeah: it’s not the outage that kills,
It’s the hope, the almost-thrills.
Because nothing’s crueler, in this modern age,
Than one bar of Wi-Fi and a loading page.