Thank You to the Yelp Reviewers Who Write Everything Except Restaurant Reviews

Dear Yelp Community,

When I open Yelp hoping to find a place to eat, I instead find myself deep in your personal histories. What started as a search for dinner has become an exploration of your memoirs.

Take Kevin P., whose pizza review opened with six months of Saturday mornings spent watching squirrels with his wife's uncle. Three thousand words later on the nesting habits of the Eastern Gray, including detailed observations of their mating rituals and nest architecture, you closed with: "Decent pizza."

Or Jennifer T., whose review of the brewpub downtown chronicled the exact moment she realized her college boyfriend wasn't the one – right as their appetizers arrived. Which appetizers? She doesn’t say. But we do know the sun was at just the right angle to light her IPA, the drink that would become a bittersweet reminder of what could have been. The burgers remain a mystery, but I understand love better now.

Then there's Brenda M., whose review of the salad place transformed into a time capsule from 1975 Wisconsin. While the salad she ordered only merited an "it was fine," we got three paragraphs on her grandmother's tuna noodle casserole technique. The precise ratio of crushed potato chips to noodles. And her uncle's TV dinner chair, permanently molded to his exact posture. A salad is easy to forget, but those memories will last forever.

And finally Michael R., who turned his taco truck review into a minute-by-minute recap of one Tuesday in March. From his 6:30am alarm to the missing sock crisis, through the quarterly sales meeting (congrats on finally closing the Henderson deal, by the way), past the evening TV lineup, and finally to a late-night taco run – where the tacos themselves went unmentioned. We really lived every moment with you.

Keep writing your memoirs, one restaurant review at a time. Why bother with stars when you can share your life story? I'm still hungry, but I've never felt more connected.

Sincerely,
Still Deciding What to Order