Trump Reveals Revolutionary New Economic Policy: "Every Time Futures Dip, I Contact Xi"
President Donald J. Trump has reportedly devised a foolproof method for calming financial markets: releasing updates on his communications with Chinese President Xi Jinping whenever the Dow shows signs of weakness.
The strategy began Thursday with news of a "very good" phone call between the two leaders, sending futures higher. But sources say that was just the start.
"The next day it was, 'Xi repinned my Pinterest board about gold-plated bathroom fixtures,'" said one White House aide. "Then: 'Xi liked my Strava workout.' After that came news they matched on Bumble BFF, which the President called 'very positive for relations.'"
The updates accelerated. Market-boosting announcements included Xi joining Trump's Facebook group, the two leaders connecting on LinkedIn Learning with Trump noting "Xi's thinking about endorsing me for leadership," and a report of "meaningful eye contact" during a FaceTime call, which Trump described as a "clear signal" on tariffs.
The next day brought word that Xi had double-tapped Trump's Truth Social post. Then came a breakthrough: "President Xi and I are now Venmo friends, and I have a pending request." The following morning's pre-market rally followed Trump's announcement that Xi had added him on Words with Friends but "hasn't made his move yet, still very promising."
Trump's latest update: Xi accepted his Fitbit challenge, which he called "the clearest sign a major trade deal is imminent."
When pressed about the original phone call, Trump added, "Xi also WhatsApp'd me. And he was the first to comment on my YouTube video. Plus he keeps trying to connect with me on Duolingo. Very educational. Very positive."
The Chinese Foreign Ministry declined to comment on most claims, though Xi's office did respond: "Who is this person and why won't he stop sending friend requests?"