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January 2025

Decades of Research Ruined After Dad Learns Language Faster Than His Six-Year-Old
In a revelation that has rocked the field of linguistics, a suburban dad has learned an entirely new language faster than his six-year-old son, after…
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Benjamin Witt
Aveeno Rebrands Entire Product Line to Save Customers from Themselves
In a stark departure from their traditionally gentle marketing approach, Aveeno skincare announced today they’re rebranding their entire product line…
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Benjamin Witt
SCOTUS and Apple Introduce Scroll Resistance to Undermine Trump’s TikTok Save
In an unprecedented display of judicial pettiness, the Supreme Court has partnered with Apple to introduce what analysts are calling "malicious user…
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Benjamin Witt
Trump's Announcement on TikTok's Return – Full Transcript
My fellow Americans, tremendous news today, just tremendous.
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Benjamin Witt
JD Vance Unveils Revolutionary "Tinder for Couches" App to Decorate Vice President's Residence
With one eye on history and the other on his Pinterest board, former Ohio Senator J.D.
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Benjamin Witt
Biden Regrets Everything that Went Poorly for Him and Nothing that Went Well for Him
In a poignant and introspective farewell address to the nation, President Joe Biden expressed regret for every action he took that subsequently led to…
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Benjamin Witt
Mark Zuckerberg to Allow the Gorlon Rite of Passage in the Metaverse
In the year 2770, in what critics are calling a dramatic shift in platform policy, Robot-AI Mark Zuckerberg announced that Meta's community standards…
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Benjamin Witt
Man Achieves First Known Clean Banana Peel
In what witnesses described as "a moment of unsettling perfection," local man Ben Anapeal stunned onlookers by performing what experts believe to be the…
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Benjamin Witt
Time’s Up for the Twenty-First Century
The International Organization for Standardization (ISO) has sparked a firestorm by proposing that centuries be renumbered using a zero-based index.
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Benjamin Witt

December 2024

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